Alone this holiday

The holidays are over :( they were extremely difficult on me. When you come from a family background of always being together..and the time comes for you to be apart...it seems somewhat unbearable. This was my first holiday season away from home. Away from those who understand me and make me smile. It was hard to see everyone else hugging and smiling together. Taking pictures and building new memories. As i sit in the background holding back the tears wishing i was at home with my family creating my own memories. I know that i have alot of things to be grateful this holiday season that i didnt have last year...but it doesnt make being away from those who make you who are any easier. But i guess when you become an adult and your family lives so far away..this is what you have to look forward to during the holidays. being apart and scattered everywhere...hopefully it gets easier as the years go by.

Life's not fair...

Have you ever felt like you've done everything you can to make your life exactly they way you always dreamed it?..and yet...its the complete opposite of what you want? There's so much pain...and hurt. So many tears and broken hearts. And the more you try to fix it...the more it seems to fall apart?

I tried so hard to make this new life i had chosen work...and it doesnt seem to be happening. I just keep hurting those around me. And i hate it. My biggest fear has become my reality. I wanted to feel accepted in this new family and i have never felt so left out in my life. I have never felt so much anger and hated aimed towards me....The worst part is...that i cant seem to make anyone understand what im going through. They just constantly remind me that i choose this life so have to live with it....and if i want a way out...i have to go back. and id hate to do that. We faught so hard to get were we are and moving back would be stupid.

As much as this new life is killing...it would kill me sooner to have to live my life without you by myside. I cant imagine waking up every morning to an empty bed. I cant imagine what life would be like if i didnt get to see you everyday...or hold you every night. I just wish you'd understand what im going through. I know you keep saying your trying...and i believe you are...but its so hard to go through this alone. Its so much more world shattering when your thoughts are getting the best of you. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to fix this...i dont know that there is a way to fix. I was stupid to leave it all up to god. I just felt like if this is what my life was suppose to be like...if we were meant to be together...he was gonna let everything fall into place for us...and instead...its all falling apart.

Just tell me what to do....tell me how to fix this or make it better cause i really dont know how. I am out of ideas and i dont think i can keep doing this for much longer. I get the feeling that eventually its gonna become a battle between whats best for me....my sanity, and emotional stablity or having you by myside everyday for the rest of my life.

"if your love was all i had in this life, then that would be enough until the end of time" is this really true? is love really all you need to survive and get you through the tough times?

You win...

I did everything i could to keep your toxic ways from effecting my life and yet i could not resist. I wasn't strong enough to stand by my beliefs and what i felt was right and fair. Now here i am trapped in this nightmare i cant seem to escape. Im struggling to reach the surface for air. But you keep pulling me down and are making it impossible. How someone can be poisonous to everyone around them including themselves is beyond me. How anyone could ignore such immaturity, irresponsibility, and evil is beyond on me. But some how those around you have found a way to do so. They have chosen to sit in the dark and ignore the way you are. Me...i tried to fight it...and all that got me was a world of people talking shit and putting me down. Never in my life have i felt so hated and disliked. Never in my life have i meet people so evil and disrespectful....but in the end...the dummy was me. It was i who finally caved into your toxic ways. I am so exhausted i can not continue to fight you alone.So you win. You get what you want, your childish hissy fits have finally gotten you what you want. I wave my white flag and surrender. I will not fight you and the world. I just cant. I hope someday when your sitting alone and bitter that you realize you did this to yourself. You made it impossible for people to get along with you. You made your world so toxic and evil no one could stand to be around you, not even those who are bound to you by blood. I only pray that someday...you get everything you've dished out...that some day you realize what an asshole you are to the world that you cant bare to look yourself in the mirror. That you feel what everyone around you feels. That the hate you dished out someday consumes you. Prepare yourself for the pain you have coming to your way. Karma is truly a bitch...and she never forgives...let alone forgets.

Can you really haveit all?

What do you do when you have everything you always wanted?....only now that you have it...it doesnt seem as glamorous as you thought it was going to be? theres alot more...pot holes and speed bumps then you were expecting.

I've tried everything i can, i've put myself in positions i never wanted to be in, I've learned to change alot of things about me, i've learned to put others in front of myself and the happiness of those i love before my own...and yet...it doesnt seem to be enough. My change and hard work has seem to have gone un-noticed. Its heartbreaking and disappointing but...what really can be done? I just finished pouring my heart out about how other people had changed and how it was heartbreaking it was to see someone who was strong be so different...when now that i am evaluating my own situation...i have let myself down. I have let some foot prints be put on my back and i dont know why. I dont know why i let someone run me down. I used to pride myself on standing strong and ive let some of that go. "comprise" is what ive been told, that was suppose to be the key to all this...and yet...it seems that im the only one who's been giving any compromise. I've giving everything i can..and i have nothing left, except for a heart that seems to be crumbling slowly. Promises had been made and others have been broken...but i guess in the end all that matters is that i was the full who fell for them.

Kansas No More

Having recently returned to this place i called home for 20 years...its hard to admit to myself that life as i left it...has changed. The buildings...the streets...the faces. But whats changed the most...the hearts to those faces. Ive realized that the friends i left behind have become strangers. and as hard as it is for me to admit that...i think i just finally had to say it out loud. I tried so hard to hold on to my past and to keep things the way they were. I wanted to push pause on my city life and just push play when i returned. Life just doesnt work that way, as much as we think are lives are so "movie like" they just arent. I went out with some familiar and not so familiar faces only to find that they arent what i remembered them to be. Some had changed so much it was somewhat heart breaking to see. I guess its just hard to watch someone who once had so much heart and strength...look so...lost? weaken? confused? I tried to search deep for the smallest shred of the old face but nothing. I sat there and realized that my life had changed so much over the last year...but so had everyone elses. I realized that we had all grown apart. we had all become strangers but there really wasnt any one person to blame. I just wish that some of those faces would realize that they have so much to offer the world...and at this time...are selling themselves short.

A Losing Game...

Is it better to lose the ones who meant the most earlier on in the game? Do you feel less pain if they leave sooner rather then later? I've been thinking a lot about it...its really all the same. When someone touches your heart, no matter how long they were around...they have left a mark behind. A scar, a constant reminder of there presences. Its how we choose to deal with it that makes a difference. Whether or not we let it consume us. Whether or not we choose to learn from these memories and mistakes.

Sometimes people are put in your life just to help you open your eyes and realize what has been in front of you all along. We are so blind to the beauty that surrounds us that we need something heartbreaking to waken the soul again. Something to remind us of what we've had all along.

For two years I let others lives over shadow my own. I let myself be forgotten. I willingly let myself fade into the shadows without a fight. I let the drama and events of everyone's lives be more important than my own. I walked around blind to the beauty that I had in my life...

And finally one day my world shook so hard i felt it all falling apart. All the pieces to my puzzle that I fought so hard to keep together were coming apart. I was forced to open my eyes and re-evaluate the life I had made for myself. Or I had let others make for me. I was forced to face myself. I had no choice but to strip myself to the bare essentials and start all over again. I needed to redefine myself...better yet...i need to find out who i truly was without the influences and inputs of others.

Had i done this before i would have realized that for two years the love that i had been looking so hard for...this love that i had only dreamt of and seen in movies...had been standing beside me all along. The "Nick" to my "Norah" as some have put it, had been in front of me all along, but because i had let myself get caught up in the lives of others i had not seen it.

Now that i have opened my eyes...things look so much more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. My life has come full circle, and i am grateful and happy with were i stand. I am grateful for those who continue to take this journey by my side. Who willingly stand beside me and my decisions. Who support me for who i am and not what i can offer them. Im grateful for the love that over spills from my heart, and the butterflies that never stop.

Dont ever look at the pain in your life as a bad thing...embrace it for what it is. An eye opening event in your life that will only help you. Look for the beauty in the car crash, because when you find it...that is when your life truly begins. When you accept the happiness and good that you are being given. The chance to change the dark and the heart ache and turn it into something beautiful and world changing. Embrace the life you've been given. Make what YOU want of it...dont let others determine your happily ever after. Build it the way you have only dreamed it would happen.