The holidays are over :( they were extremely difficult on me. When you come from a family background of always being together..and the time comes for you to be apart...it seems somewhat unbearable. This was my first holiday season away from home. Away from those who understand me and make me smile. It was hard to see everyone else hugging and smiling together. Taking pictures and building new memories. As i sit in the background holding back the tears wishing i was at home with my family creating my own memories. I know that i have alot of things to be grateful this holiday season that i didnt have last year...but it doesnt make being away from those who make you who are any easier. But i guess when you become an adult and your family lives so far away..this is what you have to look forward to during the holidays. being apart and scattered everywhere...hopefully it gets easier as the years go by.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Life's not fair...
Have you ever felt like you've done everything you can to make your life exactly they way you always dreamed it?..and yet...its the complete opposite of what you want? There's so much pain...and hurt. So many tears and broken hearts. And the more you try to fix it...the more it seems to fall apart?
I tried so hard to make this new life i had chosen work...and it doesnt seem to be happening. I just keep hurting those around me. And i hate it. My biggest fear has become my reality. I wanted to feel accepted in this new family and i have never felt so left out in my life. I have never felt so much anger and hated aimed towards me....The worst part is...that i cant seem to make anyone understand what im going through. They just constantly remind me that i choose this life so have to live with it....and if i want a way out...i have to go back. and id hate to do that. We faught so hard to get were we are and moving back would be stupid.
As much as this new life is killing...it would kill me sooner to have to live my life without you by myside. I cant imagine waking up every morning to an empty bed. I cant imagine what life would be like if i didnt get to see you everyday...or hold you every night. I just wish you'd understand what im going through. I know you keep saying your trying...and i believe you are...but its so hard to go through this alone. Its so much more world shattering when your thoughts are getting the best of you. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to fix this...i dont know that there is a way to fix. I was stupid to leave it all up to god. I just felt like if this is what my life was suppose to be like...if we were meant to be together...he was gonna let everything fall into place for us...and instead...its all falling apart.
Just tell me what to do....tell me how to fix this or make it better cause i really dont know how. I am out of ideas and i dont think i can keep doing this for much longer. I get the feeling that eventually its gonna become a battle between whats best for me....my sanity, and emotional stablity or having you by myside everyday for the rest of my life.
"if your love was all i had in this life, then that would be enough until the end of time" is this really true? is love really all you need to survive and get you through the tough times?
I tried so hard to make this new life i had chosen work...and it doesnt seem to be happening. I just keep hurting those around me. And i hate it. My biggest fear has become my reality. I wanted to feel accepted in this new family and i have never felt so left out in my life. I have never felt so much anger and hated aimed towards me....The worst part is...that i cant seem to make anyone understand what im going through. They just constantly remind me that i choose this life so have to live with it....and if i want a way out...i have to go back. and id hate to do that. We faught so hard to get were we are and moving back would be stupid.
As much as this new life is killing...it would kill me sooner to have to live my life without you by myside. I cant imagine waking up every morning to an empty bed. I cant imagine what life would be like if i didnt get to see you everyday...or hold you every night. I just wish you'd understand what im going through. I know you keep saying your trying...and i believe you are...but its so hard to go through this alone. Its so much more world shattering when your thoughts are getting the best of you. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to fix this...i dont know that there is a way to fix. I was stupid to leave it all up to god. I just felt like if this is what my life was suppose to be like...if we were meant to be together...he was gonna let everything fall into place for us...and instead...its all falling apart.
Just tell me what to do....tell me how to fix this or make it better cause i really dont know how. I am out of ideas and i dont think i can keep doing this for much longer. I get the feeling that eventually its gonna become a battle between whats best for me....my sanity, and emotional stablity or having you by myside everyday for the rest of my life.
"if your love was all i had in this life, then that would be enough until the end of time" is this really true? is love really all you need to survive and get you through the tough times?
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