Its been 2 years...

Since i last confessed myself on here.

I cant stop thinking about a love i used to know. We have always been in touch since we met. We have never been MIA from each others lives and i feel that i have lost him. I miss him, i miss his love, i miss the warmth i felt when with him. I wish i could have it all back.  i find myself just day dreaming about the past. My reality is so hard to deal with some days that day dreaming is my only escape and my only way of making it threw the day. I am grateful for the life that i have, i am grateful for those in my life and all that i have gained over time. But there are days were its just not enough. I feel so lost, so incomplete, so unhappy. And its not to say that if i had this love back everything would magically fix itself. But it is one of those things that i will always wonder what my life would be like had i take a different route. And i feel so guilty for that. i feel so guilty for even letting it cross my mind. But what can i do? Let it go? forget about it? or take it for what it is? a lesson, a glimpse of what love truly is, unconditional, forgiving, selfless, forever. I guess i should just be grateful that i got to have it all, regardless of time. I just wish it hadnt gone away.

New Year...New ME

So like many others out there now that the new year has started up we start with the resolution....to change how we look. I realized that after moving in with my husband we got so comfortable with each other that i "let my self go" I gained about 30 lbs in the past 2 years and now looking at old pictures of myself i realize that i need to make a change and get back to where i was comfortable and happy with myself. So i will begin to monitor my eating and start exercising regularly. hopefully with hard work and support from my man i will be ready to hit the beach when summer rolls around. I know it wont be easy and im going to have to make a life change and leave some old habits behind, but i think its worth it to have my confidence and health back. Does anyone have any tips? right now im doing a lot of squats, and arm workouts with the dumbbells and im doing the brazil butt lift dvds cause i need to tone my legs and butt. We'll im sure no one reads this but i figure it would help me to keep track of how im doing and this is really the only way i know how lol have fun guys :)

alone

I havent felt this alone in a long time. I feel like ive lost everything just to gain love. Ive lost my friends, my family, my independence, my sanity...ive lost all the things that once made me me and now all thats left are the things you choose to love. The things you are willing to accept about me. I feel so lost, so alone, and abandoned and i dont know how to change it. we can only be with each other and  their for each other so much before driving each other insane. i gave you your outlet and your escape but i left my self with nothing. i gave you everything i had to give and now im left with emptiness, hurt, disappointment. none of it your fault, mainly my own. i should have said no, i should have stopped you when you asked me to give up so much. i dont know what i was thinking doing that. i understand thats how you like to live your life but it doesnt mean its how i like to live mine. i know you like to live your life secluded and alone, hidden from the world, but i like to make a difference to be apart of others lives and make my presences known. i thought that was part of what you loved about me. i thought thats why you wanted to be with me because this in turn encouraged you to get out more, to live more, have more adventures, be open. i guess i was wrong. i just wish i wouldnt have lost all my friends first before i figured all this out. now its just me. no one to talk to, no one to laugh with...just me.

Skeletons in the closet...

I dont understand why i cant seem to let go of the fact that this person is in your life...i know that im your number one and that you dont want to be with anyone else besides me and yet i cant shake this feeling. Every time you phone buzzes i know its her. Every time it lights up at 2 am...i know its her. when we have bad days i know its her that you run to. I wish you could see and feel how i feel about this. i wish you could just try and understand where im coming from. You have a past with this girl and there used to be shared feelings. its hard for me to believe that those feelings are no longer there. its hard for me to believe that after all these years theres not a place for her in your heart. she was and is your best friend. she was your everything. you woke up to her and fell asleep to her...so after all that how can i believe that shes not still on your mind, how can i believe that shes not still in your heart. or that you dont think of her often...i want these feelings of doubt to go away and i want us to be happy but i dont know to make that happen. I ask you to stop talking to her and then your sad and depressed because shes gone. but if i let you speak to her then all it does is kill me....and now...after nearly 2 years...your out with her. and the only thing running through my mind...is that when you see her...all those feelings of love and happiness are gonna come rushing back at you and your going to realize your making a mistake by being with me. i just pray that when you come home your heart will still be mine...our future will still be ours...and we'll still be forever.

Cant Let Go

why cant i seem to let you go? Its as if i enjoy torturing myself. 

I sit and wait to hear from you and the longer it takes the more my chest begins to cave in and i can feel my heart is stopping. Ive become so dependent on your words and i hate it. I wish i could live without them...without you and i cant. what kills me more is the fact that you dont understand how i feel. you dont get why it kills me to be without you, why i feel so alone in a sea of people without you. Ive tried so hard to forget you but i cant. its almost as if i forgot you and let you go...a part of me would stop existing. tell me how to let you go...because its obvious that this...this isnt what you want. you dont want my heart, and feelings, my thoughts. so tell me how to let you go so that i can try and move past you. so that maybe...someday...someone who wants me as i am can have me unharmed. its been so many years and still...i feel this way every time we reconnect. its not fair. its not fair that im the one to get hurt...that im the one in pain, in tears, alone...and you go on...as if nothing has happened. you go on un-phased by all of this...well....id rather be blind...id rather be blind then see you with someone else...but id rather be alone...then fill this pain again. so good-bye...my sweet sweet heartache. i know that i will miss you everyday and think of you frequently...but in order to love again...to really love and be happy... i need to let you go. i need to move past you and only think happy thoughts of you occasionally rather then painful ones daily.

Fairytales or Reality?

Have you ever asked yourself if that fairytale ending really exist? I have...so many times. I always wondered if "prince charming" was going to come knocking at my door, ready to rescue me. But then as I got older...I realized something. No one in this world will ever save me...unless I save myself. Doesnt make sense to many people, i know they're thinking to themselves that people save other people all the time. But thats not what im talking, i'm talking about a different kind of saving. We all have our dreams and our ambitions but no one can get them for us except ourselves. When your felling like shit, like the world has turned its back on you, who do you depend on to get you out of it? yourself. This was my way of thinking for a long time. I always thought i had to deal with things myself and fix them myself. that they were no one else is problems but my own, there for i had to be the one to fix them. And then one day...this amazing warm hearted person came into my life and told me different. he told me that my problems...were his. because he loved me with his whole heart that whatever i would go threw from now on was something we would take on together. I could now rest on him when i need it. If i felt the problem was to big or to much for me to handle alone...i could rely on him to help me through it. is this what prince charming is really about? have we been tricked into thinking he was just some handsome person, with riches, and a good heart? or is there more to it? does he have so much more to him then just that on the surface?

family...

family...wow that word used to mean so much to me. to me a persons family was a bit of a window into who they were. it let you see what type of person they were, what values they have. the things they support and how they live. but every once in a while you come across someone who couldnt be further from there family if they had never met. Its so heart breaking to see that there is no connection there at all. Its almost like their strangers living in one house...Hopefully now that this is what they have experienced it will be enough for them to change their own future. to make sure this is not the "family" that they will provide to their children. Hopefully the consume their children with love and laughter, with memories of adventures and movie nights, hopefully this...is a cycle that ends here.